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Grieving For The Loss
Of Who I Am Not
I cried for a reason that mystifies me!
I cried because I was comparing
myself to someone else.
And I also realized how much pain I still have
waiting to be vocalized for this very reason.
It is the same pain I have been
running from my entire life.
It is the pain that surrounded me when
I was young, in my silent desperation to
not to be found out for who I truly was—
for the fear that I would not belong...
...and for the fear that I would not fit in!
The funny thing is, I never did fit in
—even when I was trying to.
And the more I tried to fit in, the worse it
got—the more I pushed others away, because
they could feel I was acting out of fear.
And, like angry guards at the gate, they
attacked with their cruel words and their
thoughtless actions. And, thus, I ran away
from my fear and further into my pain...
...until I stopped running!
And then, it finally dawned on me that I
had been—literally—running away from
myself! I know that may sound simplistic;
but, at the time, I thought that I was running
toward what I should be, rather than
running away from what I was.
And I am realizing that is why I cried!
There is a part of me who still
grieves for not being like the others,
for knowing that I don’t belong and
for knowing that I don’t fit in...
...because I am someone entirely different!
-Paul Whiting
(a.k.a., Small All White in the Forest)
"I am no barrier to its sun; the light and I are as one!"
My Writing About Comparing Yourself To Others: Do not compare yourself to how others are: instead, compare yourself to how you used to be. –Paul Whiting (written April 12th, 2016 and revised August 25th, 2022)
My Poetic Notes:
The reason that I wrote this poem can be summed up with the following statement: I wrote this poem before I moved to Portland, Oregon from Salt Lake City, Utah. And, although I do not remember the particular circumstances that inspired this poem, I do remember crying "because I was comparing myself to someone else," which is something that I do a lot!
And this poem was also published on my "Three Dark Horses" and "Paul Whiting — A Creative Writer" blogs (please see the hyperlinks below for the blogs), since I feel that the message in this poem applies to the message I am trying to convey through "Three Dark Horses" and "Paul Whiting — A Creative Writer." Plus, I feel that the message in this poem applies to the message I am trying to convey through my new "The Oneness Of God" spiritual practice!
This poem was written in Salt Lake City, Utah.
-Paulee
https://threedarkhorses.blogspot.com
https://paulwhitingwriting.blogspot.com
This "Small All White in the Forest" Post No. 048 was edited on May 6th, 2024.
"Poetry is using the fewest words possible in order to describe all that is possible to describe." –Paul Whiting [June 1st, 2022]
